我该如何选择？

11/12/2017

我最害怕的是离别。

17岁高中毕业那年，不知道后来的路是什么，中六还是college,朋友都去了不同的大学，很迷茫。

19岁那年，学院毕业，也不知道未来的路要怎么走，3年会计还是两年会计，还是出国？也很迷茫。

21岁那年，大学毕业，该读研究生还是找工作，哪一个才是最好的选择？一个人在国外，也很迷茫。

后来，我找到了工作，我漂泊了一年，这里走走，那里打打工的。不知道自己下一个目的在哪里。所有的衣服物品都在行李箱，我只带着我的小行李箱，来来去去那几件衣服，走打天下。

今年22岁，终于等了一年后，我刚开始工作一个月，很稳定，朝九晚五的，白天去上班，晚上做自己的事情，我很喜欢这样的安定。这时候却突然发现，原来如果一切顺利三年半后，我又面临去或留的抉择。去，要去哪？留，为什么？

我害怕喜欢我的人在那里等我，等了一个不想回去的我。我害怕遇到喜欢的人，却留不下来。我不知道自己的想要的是什么，也给不了承诺。

我很想去计划，可是我怕变化赶不上计划。我怕被打乱。这一切也许听起来很自私也很寂寞，但是我想像一阵风，不为谁停留。

一直更换不同的环境，更换新的人物，我有点累了。适应新的人，交新的朋友已经不再像小时候那样简单容易了。慢慢开始发现自己的改变与变化，我已不再像以前那样了。我想要那个毒舌直接的我，大声嚷嚷的我。文化上的冲突真的令我吃不消。我不想成为一个抱怨的人可是生活中就是那么多翻白眼的事情，我只能说，我会好好的。真的吗？

我当了翻译员!!!

Since my last post, I was treated badly by the lady boss.

I resigned the day after and they apologized sincerely, 

and of course I am good after that.

but I still left the place, came back to the same old place that I used to work.

THANKYOU for everyone who concerned,

especially those who sent me private msg.

I realized how many of you secretly stalk me. AHAH

*比个心♥*

-TWO MONTHS AFTER-

I was hesitating to post about this little story of my life anot.

Because everytime after i posted a blog about myself ,

I feel stupid and regret of posting. 

for example,

the last post, my boyfriend actually criticized me of why i want to post the whole incident.

no point for doing that.

and then, when I calmed myself down, 

I was thinking yea, why ? nobody interested on your life shits.

BUT !!!

I still wanna tell, for this time.

 I CAN NEVER IMAGINE MYSELF BEING A TRANSLATOR

LMAOOOOO

Hazel the translator.

我一定在做梦！！！

I was raised in a Mandarin speaking family.

My parents spoke to us in chinese since young,

my dad is working in china half of his life

我就是半个中国妹

when I was like 7/8/9/10/11/12/13/14 ? 

whatever age I remember.

I remember that we (my siblings) seldom talk to the cousins during CNY.

not all cousins, just a few (we big familly ok).

the young one almost my age also speak chinese la.ok.

Because they all talked in English (also main reason is, we have age gap)

and 

honestly from what I remember I know nothing about what they saying

我心里OS：

你们在讲什么？ 

他们在讲什么？

我不明白

But anyway, we are so much closer now. <3 p="">

I am not saying that my English is very best or have very good accent now.

I still the old SIBEH malaysian manglish me ok

but still, never imagine myself can be a translator for chinese to english (vice versa)

事情是这样的，

机缘巧合下（兜兜转转中间的细节就不说啦）

Long stories for how I know this co's director.

skippp~~

They invited this professor from China who cannot really speak very good in English.

So they need someone who can speak english and understand Chinese to

translate for a better communication.

then, I was the lucky one picked to be the ‘middleman'

his name is Professor Song宋, I was calling him for 孙教授 for the whole 4days.

此处应该要有掌声

So,we were stayed in the lab for 4 days for experiment.

感觉回到中学时代。哗啦啦 

发现原来石灰厂不只是出产水泥，还有很多东西

小仙女长知识了。

这就是教授所发明的轻质泡沫混凝土。

反正你们也是看不明白。

反正我是明白了

小仙女与教授的合照。

教授有很多爆笑的片段，

我还是不在网上说了，

以免遭到法律对付。 

I cried.

In less than 12hours to work again. FYI, I just finish from work and finish bath. It is 12.07am now. Decide to blog something and get sleep at 1am. I'm breaking apart , breaking down....
I cried for the first time ever since I came Ireland... not the first actually. Second time.
I'm not going to take it anymore. I'm currently working part time in Chinese restaurant in a small town in county Wexford. (I start contract with GT in November.)
Well, what I'm doing everyday is, I start at 3pm, I have to vacuum three floors of the shop, then clean all the mirror on the wall and wipe all the cutleries on the tables, lastly mop all the floors and toilets.
I'm doing all this my own, no helpers. EVERYDAY. Of course I understand that I'm working and this is part of my job, but second and third floor is their 'home', that's not under me. Please !
Everyday is too much. I'm working like a maid.
I asked the working time before I promise to work, she told me that we are working from 1pm to 11pm on a Sunday , but then just now she told me tomorrow I have to start at 12am to start hoover the place, do the cleaning, is this considered  as deceiving. idk.
I'm new to your place, can you not expect me to know everything of ur things ? Every shop has different rules and ways to work out, yaa...I worked as waitress before but it doesn't mean what I was doing is what you want me to do in ur restaurant. You should show me but not doing all on your own and blame me with your depressed face. Yah! And then when I do it in my way, you not liking it.zzz seriously ? I'm not worms in ur brain and know any shits u thinking. I wish I were!!! I am doing everything carefully, can you be more mercy when I really make some mistakes, not big one. Need praising not insults. Thanks !
As an accounting student, I use calculator. I admit that I am not good in mental arithmetic, don't criticise me being an accounting student.
Her attitude, her behaviour and her character is like my mom, she wants all things fast and perfect. but she has no love nor sympathy to me. My mom is strict to me like a mommy wants her daughter to be good. But she is like I pay you for working for me, no mercy. I guess this is what working life is ? U have to follow what employer says, like a cow ? LOL.
Honestly, you need more workers in you kitchen. Zzz.
I don't know should I leave or should I not...
I had so much thoughts during working but I have nothing to say now. SO MUCHHHHHH
Thahks to the driver who cheered me up , tomorrow is another new day right. Cheer up.
I'm so stressed, deceived, not being appreciated.
Or maybe I'm not used to it YET.

Dilemma.

25/05/2017.

Another 5 MONTHS  to start my work in Grant Thornton ! YES ! IS F-I-V-E FREAKING MONTHS !!!

I absolutely have no idea what I am going to do in this 5 months.

Too much to concern, too much to hustle about.

I was thinking to go back to my part-time life, save up some money which I really need, in the future. The rental in Dublin is INCREDIBLE ! expensive sial. *roll eyes* also, after talking to my friend, she told me after tax and blablabla, my salary left...less than what I thought. zzz sienzzz

well. the jobs are easy to get.. EASY PEASY especially when I have the experience.

The problem is, I registered myself into the ACCA september exam. LOL ? ello...u kidding me ah !

NO, IM NOT.zzz.. It was my mom's idea, which brainwashed me *roll eyes* I paid around 500euros for all chingching changchang fees. (imsorichzzz)

Should I go for my study or go for the money ?! THIS IS SO DILEMMA

Now I wish I have no boyfriend so that I can do anything I want. I can go on workaway for volunteers... I can go to a far place for parttime... SHIT.

I NEED MONEY.

7/1/2017  阴晴不定

这天气也许就像我心情有点阴晴不定，也许跟我大姨妈快来了有关系。
周遭的人事物已经开始在影响我了，我也察觉到了。
也努力在控制中~ 爆发起来也不知道该如何收拾。
重点来了，重点就是这些人事物，跟我tmd有关系吗？我干嘛因为这些情绪不稳定啊。

于是，今天一早醒来完全就是懒散状态不想去健身，可是整身感觉哪里怪怪的。
在健身房最后一个小时，还是跑着过去了。
一点回来时，很想放空，就在路旁的长凳上蹲了半小时，耳机放音乐，路人一定以为我是准备自杀的神经病。
但没办法，这是我的舒压方式。真心不想待在房间里。

2016 房间依然很乱。完结篇

2016/12/31

就这样一年过去了，

一年的最后一天，去了gym来开始我的最后一天，

现在用二十分钟的时间写一篇2016感言。因为我还没洗澡！

带着臭味比较有feeeeel，哎哟！放心啦~爱尔兰运动是不流汗的。不过，我还真有点臭。

回顾一下，来爱尔兰也16个月了。

再回顾一下，去年的现在*挑一挑眉*，一大早收到好友的SC，说去年的今天是我噩梦的开始。

的确！！！现在想起来那也是人生中一段小插曲，去年的今天下着雨，而今天，天气晴朗。

会不会是和我心情一样，我那时冒着雨从住的地方跑去镇上，淋得整身都是湿的，手是冰的，鼻子耳朵是红红的，耳机拨的单曲回放， *现在立马去youtube开了那首歌，写博文也特别有feel了，那首歌是曾静雯和吴文芳的‘我们’*

回到家，鞋子是湿透的，洗澡时，还是感觉不到手的回温。你可以自己想象一下。我没有在演偶像剧。哈哈啊哈

好啦，我觉得那时我的心情是复杂的，也许不完全是小插曲的发生，而是，2015整年发生的事，小插曲再助了一臂之力令我更更难过。到现在我还是觉得不道德，我还是没办法原谅，不是不原谅，是不能谅解。跑去镇上的同时，顺便买了一瓶香水，那个味道每次往身上喷，都会想起小插曲。不懂你们是否和我一样，每个香水的味道都有他的故事，我是这样。

如果你现在问我，在从来一次你会怎样？我觉得我还是会一样，我依然没办法接受，因为这有点像是背叛，后来发现小插曲和我的品味是一样的 *大笑 * 

已经 1.59pm了。看来我没办法用20分钟来写完2016心得。

2016年，我毕业了。

2016年，我用三天认识了我现在的男朋友。我们在一起快一年啦！

这段感情我脾气依然暴躁，依然公主病，感谢我遇到了一个愿意包容我的他。

感谢一个愿意叫我小公主的他。

我真的觉得很幸运因为有你。

2016年，我成长了不少，

我打过无数各种不懂种类的工作，遇到了很多很多人，

我在餐馆打工捧餐，在薪水很低的外卖店接电话，在小小会计楼第一份office工，找到人生第一份正式的会计工作*小小的鞠躬，帮助过我的人*

发现了自己的适应能力很强，我在哪里都能活下去，心里的苦能往肚子里吞。

我用我自己挣来的钱交房租，去旅行，买自己想要的东西。虽然不多钱，但我很满足。

我喜欢靠自己，家里的经济能力是能够给我我需要的和我想要的。

2016年，我去了瑞典，德国，英国，巴黎。

很享受自己背包客旅行，慢慢地走，慢慢的拍，可以慢下来。

也很享受跟朋友两个人的旅行。

 我的又爱又恨的婊子！

两天伦敦不够啊！

 自己一个人去的瑞典

 青年旅社的背包客们。

无穷的陷入尴尬。

因为不知道要说什么。

但是大家人都好好。

我好害羞~

 和charlie的二人之旅。

再来一次！

也很享受跟爸爸的豪华旅行

更享受和男朋友的无尽吵架之旅*他真的很蠢！我称它为巴黎噩梦之旅。奉劝各位，没有很好的感情基础或者脾气很好男朋友，还是不要和男朋友一起旅行。*

 和爸爸就是豪华！

小鸟依人的我。

2016年，有很多分离，很多不舍。

我相信2017年有更多。

我学会了珍惜当下。

2017年，会更好！

也祝我的好朋友，好室友生日快乐。你知道我的毒舌，但我是爱你的。

我们经历了很多，你知道我的小情绪，你知道我的脾气，

谢谢你一直站在我立场，挺我。

你知道我也吃你的醋，你说过令我感动的一句话就是，‘你知道你在我心里的地位是和她没办法相比的。’ 这句话也是我想给你的。

真的很想念晚上一起熬夜一起念书，一起讲笑话的日子。

那时我和某男谈断联的时候，我哭的那个的惨，谢谢你不说什么的拍拍我。

最心痛是看到你分手喝醉时哭的语无伦次，我真的懂你，我也哭了。

大家都以为我们喝醉了*因为每次喝醉眼泪都来*其实，我是看着你哭，心很不舍。

但是真的说不出安慰的话，所以在楼下给楼上的你发了一封信息。

你在我心中无可取代的地位。谢谢你的sohai。有你真好 <3 div="">

还是希望你手机别收在马桶里面，希望2017年你不要轮回我。

希望你永远幸福快乐！

2016年，房间依然很乱

要去洗澡了！拜！

我不知道要写什么了。我现在在一间餐馆工作，大家都很疼我。感谢

大家，新年快乐~Happy New Year !

Gooooood news !

Hello everyone, hope you all are doing well. 

*Made a cup of Milo and sitting in front of the laptop sipping it.*

What a GREAAAT start for Saturday !!!

 Especially when you need to work :( 

Urghhhhh ...

I used to type my blog in chinese

 but today I am typing this in English so that more people can read it.

Here's a good news !!!!!!!!!

 Jiang Jiang Jiang JIANGGGGGGG !!!

I GOT A JOB OFFER FROM GRANT THORNTON IN IRELAND !!!

I did not announce to a lot of people about this,  

because it feels like not stable for me.

(there's a chinese tradition about pregnancy that not more than three months are not allowed to share if not will experience tragic miscarriage)

SAME !!! I AM SO AFRAID THAT THE COMPANY RETRACT THE OFFER !!!!

I never wanted to share this out until somebody come and ask me or when I back to Malaysia in January! 

I felt so guilty when one of my friend , she asked me about this, 

and she said that good news should have spreaded among friends. 

That bad feeling ever.

The graduate program actually start in next year NOVEMBER !! 

uhh what a long way to go.

I even planned to take a photo of myself on my first day of work and post it on Facebook,

 when everything is settled down!

Plans have been changing changing everyday since I finished my final exam in May 2016.

I never know when and where is my next step, next plan, where will I be tomorrow.

I decided not to continue my master in 2016 (right after my degree), just to apply for the Big firms' graduate programme in every year October. GO BIG or GO HOME !

I applied the big 10 accounting firm, 

well not all, but most of it, 

then got a congratulation letter for interview from Grant Thornton, 

THE ONE AND ONLY ONE.

GT You are #truelove

 Got rejected from all the other ( I really wanted to know what criteria they want to filter from our application) 

Since then, all my friends who knew this telling me,

you are already getting it halfway..

The insecureness and stress starting to overwhelming me,

 I went to the open evening, 

reply the email after searching 100++ templates on google,

finding the best formal dress for the interview, 

keep on practicing my 'speech' for interview.

How much I wanted to post on facebook to tell everyone I got an interview chance from GT.

But in the same time, 

I am so so so so afraid that I might screwed it up so whats the point telling right ??

***spraying perfume in the room the boost my writing spirit*** 

HAHAHAHA

To be honest, even after I got the call from GT next day after my interview saying that they will offer me a position, I was still insecure. 

Then I had the urge to tell everyone (I still called my mom)

 but wait until i have the offer letter real on my hand first.

I am then starting to worry will the offer letter lost on its way to my house, 

will they forget to send me an offer letter, 

will the postman not find my house with the address,

will they call to the wrong person who have the same name as mine ? 

*facepalm*

Such paranoid person I am.

 Cant stop myself from all these imaginationssss.

Then I got my offer letter next day early in the morning, I was so excited to open it immediately and read through it.

 They wanted me to sign it and send it back. 

Guess what !

 yaaa..worrying starting again. 

Will the offer letter lost on its way,

 will the offer letter being ignored by the department,

 will it arrive before the due date ??? 

EVERYTHING ANYTHING could bother me :( 

Ohhh ya, I sent back the letter 2weeks after, 

why ??? why not immediately ??

because such paranoid person worrying for her visa and worrying for starting date, worrying this and that again !!!!

I am really thankful and appreciate there's two of my friends who unconditionally giving me advices on everything. 

(about the visa I will get after next year, about the professional paper im going to take, about the accommodation in Dublin, about the starting date of working, about everything im worrying, alot more~~~) 

Yaars was really really really wanted to beat me up every time I start paranoid about my contract and things. And Melody called me to explain everything in detail >< I cried alittle after talking, that was so unexpected. 

WHY ARE YOU WORRYING SO MUCH ?

I dont know, I dont know, I really dont know.

Imagine that you the guy you liked for few years and you have been chasing after him for few years, telling you that he likes you too and gonna give a try ?!!!!!!

I know this sounds really dramatic but, EXACTLY, that's the feeling tho. 

Although my friends kept telling me, you've already got the offer letter, no one gonna grab it away from you. DONT worryyyyy! but still..LOL

I have to admit that I am not the best academic student,

thats why I worked extra extra hard than other.

Wasting this whole year not continue master just to apply for the big firm

(well, because they will pay for my professional paper in the future.)

is a very risky decision I would say.

I had a run with my best buddy 

(we used to run around the town or the runtrack and chit chat abit)

he is like a mentor to me, we are to each other.

this year, there were bunch of new juniors are 'fighting' for the contract too.

some even said, they are defo getting it.

LOLOLOL. tell you what, they got rejected !!!

He knows me well,

I am not very good in English, compare to those banana.

I speak broken English, i write campur english too.

But I am trying hard, very hard.

He asked me, 

do you think you can win them ? how are you gonna 'fight' with them ?

Honestly, I dont really stand a chance.

Those unspoken words, I know deeply in my heart.

Clearly.

It actually upset me.

I remained silent. 

A lot of people, well, All of you,

including my boyfriend.

People never see how hard you work.

because when I work, I work alone.

No one sees it.

when they see me, 

I am either in the club or in the mall.

thats what I post in my SC.

and thats what people think about me...

I was really stressed,

I cant sleep in the night, nightmares,

mind always filled with a list of to-do things.

I have alot to concern...

I need to ace this interview this application.

Stress from my father, stress from myself.

Proving everyone that I can do it.

I know how people talk behind me, 

a playful girl, always go for drink (i didnt ok *roll my eyes*)

rich girl never concern about money (wtf!!!! I earn and spend my own money ok)
never study for exams. (srsly ?! I am typical kiasu kiasi kid ok ) 

But for now, I really dont care how shit people think I am.

I think I grew up. hahaha <<<< sounds stupid.hahhaa

For alot of you, that application is a piece of cake,
but for me,
thats Mount Everest...
You can never put yourself in other's shoes.
Because !
the size is different. -.-
I don't expect people to understand my stress and my life,
at least I know what I am doing.
My interview with Grant Thornton was awesome.
I like the interviewer very much, both.
I asked him about how he (they) think about my performance,
and told him that I care about how people think about me very much,
and I will try to please every of them.
Then he told me that,
You can't please everyone, all you have to do is be the best of yourself.
leave it to other,
which I think is #quoteoftheyear.
I still have alot alot to say but I will just leave it for today.
A wrap up
hmmmm...
I AM COMING BACK MALAYSIA !!!!
HAHAHAHAHA
BYE !!!

PS: Abit messy topic...jumping topics here and there.


With lovessssss xxxx
Hazel